It is an age-old problem.  It is attempting change from the outside-in instead of the inside-out. The habits that Covey identified are the results, the fruit if you will, of a successful person’s mindset and thinking.  Yes, these things can be learned, but without the proper mindset behind them, they have fury and motion but not real substance.  “Being” must come before “doing.”  Covey clearly understood this, but many readers miss this important point. I know I did for years! Covey identifies a change in mindset that is necessary before true success can be achieved.  He coined the phrase, “abundance mentality” or an “abundance mindset.”  According to Covey an abundance mindset is “a concept in which a person believes there are enough resources and success to share with others.[2]”  This is contrasted with a “poverty” or a “scarcity” mindset where a person believes that if someone else wins, they lose.  Allowing an abundance mentality (the true believe and a lifestyle that reflects that belief) is a prerequisite to the “seven habits.”

The same thing is true in relationships.  If I attempt to fix a broken relationship by changing what I do and I don’t change how I think, my attempts for change are doomed to failure.  I am putting “doing” ahead of “being.”  It really doesn’t matter if I bring my wife coffee in the morning, bring her flowers once per week and have a date night once per month if I don’t truly love her from the core of my being, and treat her with tenderness and love through the week.  If I still react out of my wounds all she will see is “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.”  Nothing has really changed, only the exterior habits.

This same principle is found in the letter to the Galatians where the fruit of the Spirit is described.  “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law” (Gal 5:22-23, NIV).  The way to bear this fruit in my life is for my heart and soul to be in harmony with that of the Spirit of God.  When this happens fruit will come.

If you want lasting results, focus on “being” and the “doing” will come much more naturally and with great joy.

~ Greg

[2] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Seven_Habits_of_Highly_Effective_People

Why is forgiveness important?  Because with out it I am inviting its evil twin, unforgiveness, into my life.  And unforgiveness is a lier, a murder and a thief.  Unforgiveness reminds me of all the wrongs done to me, and the wrongs I have done, keeping me trapped in the past.   Unforgiveness kills relationships.  The memory of the wrongs can grow to monstrous proportions that keep me from reconciling differences and growing closer to others.  Instead we grow apart.

I learned many years before that there is only one person I hurt when I don’t forgive someone, and that is me.  How? The story that brought this to life for me went something like the following.

There was an older woman (Joan) who avoided a childhood friend (Helen) like the plague for years.  Helen had stolen the love of Joan’s life in High School and she had never forgiven her.  The two women met at the funeral of a mutual friend many hears later. Joan finally got up the courage to admit to Helen the bitterness that she had carried.  After the funeral Joan approached Helen and shared her story.  Joan was shocked when Helen listened intently of how she had stolen Joan’s boyfriend, how Joan had both resented and avoided her, and finally, after all these years she was ready to forgive. Helen didn’t seem to be bothered or resentful of Joan at all. This puzzled Joan until Helen final spoke and said, ”Joan, I’m sorry if I hurt you, but honestly, I don’t remember this at all.”  After all those years of pain, angst, and suffering, Helen never lost a night’s sleep over the event.  The only person who was hurt was Joan.

The medical community has proven that people who forgive have

• Healthier relationships,
• Greater spiritual and psychological well-being,
• Less stress and hostility,
• Lower blood pressure,
• Fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety and chronic pain and
• Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse (1).

In my case there were a number of people I had forgiven over the years. I only struggled with one, but that one was to come later, even after the final words of the book were penned.

First were the perpetrators in my life.  They were the users.  These were the people that had sexually abused me and awakened my sex drive far earlier that it should have been unlocked.  This sent me down a promiscuous path of substituting sex for intimacy for many years.

Next was my mother.  Her emotional abandonment of me as a child had set in motion destructive patterns in my life that nearly destroyed both my family and me.

Some people need to forgive God.  After all, He is all knowing and all powerful.  He could have prevented any of this from happening.  I personally didn’t walk down this path because I have always felt that it is a tricky business for God to both allow free will and keep this world together at the same time.  I never saw him as the cause of my problems.

The last person I had to forgive was me.  At times this still is a challenge. Why did I bury my head in the sand for so long? Why didn’t I “take myself on” sooner?  Why did I ever get married and bring a family into my problems? I was a victim who became a perpetrator.  I emotionally abandoned my wife, and in ways, my own children. I caused enormous suffering in Janet’s life and the ripples touched every member of my family. The good news is I have learned that God doesn’t merely tolerate me.  He both loves me and forgives me!  His forgiveness is total and complete (2).  This opened the door for me to  forgive myself.

“Should’a, would’a, could’a” are the murders of progress.  The keep me trapped in my past without any hope of a future.  The regrets had to die, and the best method of execution is forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not a one time event.  As often as the regret surfaces I get the opportunity to revisit forgiveness all over again.

I do want to say a quick word about forgiveness and trust.  Forgiveness is a gift that is given.  Trust is earned. I have forgiven the person who molested me, but I would not trust my grandchildren alone with this person!  It can take years for that kind of trust to be restored.  It may never be restored.  That’s okay.  I can forgive, but that doesn’t mean I need to trust that person until there is a good, solid, long standing reason to restore that trust.

In Part 2 of this blog I’ll cover how forgiveness not only sets us free but it can shape and change the spiritual environment around us!

~ Greg

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(1) http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131
(2) 1 John 1:9

Top 10 Tips For A Great Marriage

1. I understand that two emotionally mature & healthy people make a great marriage.

Wounds of the childhood (physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse [including incest], abandonment [real or perceived]) are common and often stunt emotional maturing. Possible signs of emotional immaturity are mishandling anger, lack of intimacy, withdrawing, and emotionally shutting down.

2. I take responsibility for my reactions to the wounds of my childhood that have become the problems of my adult life, and I seek answers.

Common reactions to wounds include aggression, passive aggression, passivity, irresponsibility, drunkenness, drug addiction, battering, cutting, food disorders and sexual addictions – Hurting people hurt people.

3. I embrace maturing and change throughout my life.

4. I emphasize taking personal responsibility over placing blame

5. I take every thought captive and examine it for truth, validity and priority.

6. In an argument, I consider where I may be wrong before I consider where I know I am right.

7. In a conversation, I look for where the other person is right.

8. I focus on how I am contributing to my relationships.

9. I believe for the best in myself and others.

10. I maintain a lifelong learning posture in my relationships.